I need to just rip off the band-aid and write, right? Well here I am and I have no idea what will come out, but what I know is this… I NEED to write. My heart needs it. My soul needs it. My fingers need it. It’s been impossible for anything to come out lately. I know a statement of the obvious being as my last blog was over two months ago. But every time I have sat down to write I find myself overwhelmed with too much to say and so I say nothing at all.  A broken heart, I have recently learned, is not reserved for lovers. And I feel silly saying that because I have experienced enough grief to already know that truth. But I guess I forgot. Sharing this story makes it horrifyingly real and literally cracks my heart right open again. I can only imagine that this is how my sis feels everyday and that causes the lump in the back of my throat to grow and the tears to fill my eyes.

Rip off the damn band-aid, Jen.

On March 29th, my sister learned that her sweet baby girl, Aida Grace, whom she had been carrying for nearly 8 months no longer had a heartbeat. I learned of this while sitting alone in my car in bumper to bumper traffic on Highway 80. Talk about feeling helpless. Baby Aida was due to join our family this last Monday, May 6th. I know my sister was hoping she’d have been born on her birthday, May 9th. And secretly I had hoped she’d have been born on my mine, May 13th. But we would have also been happy with a Mother’s Day delivery being as both Lisa and I were Mother’s Day babies.

Instead she came on March 30th at 1:22am. My mom and I were on either side of Lisa encouraging and supporting her as she pushed and screamed with every ounce of her strength and courage and love, in order to deliver an angel. It was the rawest of my human experience. With tears streaming down all of our faces, our sweet angel was there before us still enclosed in the amniotic sac. And with great pain, comes great beauty. It was as if we were given a window into the only universe sweet Aida would know in this lifetime. Safely enclosed in her own little world.

It’s hard to make sense of it all when there are no solid answers. Sometimes this kind of thing just happens. What I know is that even in the womb she felt the massive amount love that already existed for her. What I believe is that there was something seriously amiss in her development and she knew that even with all the love it wasn’t the right time for her soul to join us in human form.  What gives me peace is knowing all of our loved ones who have passed on, were there welcoming and celebrating her as she entered their world.

And as cliché as it might sound I believe everything happens for a reason. Aida Grace had purpose. And though we all grieve for the little lovie bug that we won’t get to watch grow into her own person, we know that we will have her spirit with us always. Reminding us not to be scared. Reminding us to trust and allow our intuitive abilities to guide us. Reminding us that we are stronger than we know.

Being alongside my sister as she delivered Aida shook me to my core, but it also healed me. I will always be able to see her as my little sis with her perfect pigtails sitting in front of me on my bike’s banana seat as I taught her to ride a two-wheeler. There were so many ways I could help her when we were young. But when she delivered my niece, Gianna and again with my nephew Geno… I remember feeling complete and utter helplessness. Like she didn’t need me anymore. When she delivered Aida, I felt the same helpless feeling but this time I also felt the importance of my presence giving her strength to do what had to be done. She did need me. And even though I couldn’t physically deliver the baby for her just me being there was enough.

I feel so blessed to be part of a family that doesn’t run from pain and sadness. Time and time again I watch us turn into each other and just be there. There is this mutual understanding that life can be really hard sometimes and in those moments you just shouldn’t have to walk the road alone. And for that I am grateful.

I know this loss will be with us always. I’d like to share a very poignant thought recently posted on facebook by a very talented poet friend of mine, Silvi Alcivar, when she experienced the one year anniversary of her mother’s passing:

“some thoughts about grief: this month marks the 1 year anniversary of my mom’s death. while life has come back to relative stability, and the loss has kind of “normalized,” there’s a part of me that still feels like she died 6 weeks ago. i’m pretty sure it will always feel like this, like there’s a crack in my heart that’s healing but splits open sometimes, all of a sudden, mostly when it makes little to no sense why or how. i have begun to refer to this phenomenon as “grieftershocks,” by which i mean grief aftershocks, little ruptures along the emotional fault lines that still need to release pressure. from previous experience with deep grief, i feel sure that no matter what happens, or how much time passes, these fault lines will remain, and sometimes they’ll quake. in a strange way, though they’re sometimes painful, i’ve come to be comforted by the quakes, the release of pressure, mostly because these grieftershocks are really essential reminders that yes, my mom is gone, but my love for her remains so strong and deep and powerful it will indeed shake me for all the rest of my days. mostly, i’m humbled and awed by the capacity of our hearts to forgive and heal and grow, to be so human and so alive.”

So yes we will all fall apart from time to time and then we will pick up the pieces and move forward, because what else are we to do really? We are here with lives to be lived. And we grow stronger with experience. And if a “grieftershock” (TM Silvi Alcivar) ever happens in your company just know that your presence is more than enough.

 

 

Today my muse was a hot bath in a clawfoot tub, Nikki McClure’s poster of a woman diving into water with the word “return”, a poem in Sy Safransky’s magazine The Sun, and of course this song. It has been really hard to write since I’ve been home. I have all these thoughts running through my mind and yet I can’t seem to get them out of my brain. And putting my finger on how I’m feeling has been no simple task. My journal pages since the day I returned have remained  empty. My blog posts have been scarce. And as I share my photos with friends and family the stories and memories are there but expressing how deeply they have affected me remains unsaid…

If I allow myself to “return” as Ms. McClure so simply suggests, I immediately find myself in three significant moments from the past six months:

August 2, 2012- floating on my back in the middle of Tenaya Lake following an all women’s sweat watching the clouds floating in the sky and the words “my heart is whole and my mind is free” swirling around my mind. I am amazed at how many times the lessons from this seven day trek have continually surfaced and redesigned the way my mind looks at my ability to experience my life. I was reborn on this trip and until now I only knew that subconsciously.

January 11, 2013- finding the hidden lagoon in the Railay karst and again floating on my back gazing at the sky framed by the top the top of the karst and joking with Rose that this must be what it feels like to be safe and cozy in the womb. We laughed then but it hits me now that, that was my first feeling of rebirth. The 11th of January, seven years to the day that Missy died. As this realization hits me, here and now in the present, I look up to see a hummingbird flitting about outside my bedroom window. I stop typing and watch her hang with me for a good three minutes. No joke. And I know without a doubt that it’s Missy’s spirit hovering just outside my window, looking me in the eye and lending me her support. Before that hummingbird appeared I had typed, “maybe this is all a gift from her”… now I know it was.

January 25, 2013- watching the sunrise over the thousands of temples in Bagan. I am overwhelmed with the thought that I am watching the sun rise on the first day of my life. It’s an interesting idea to consider, especially as one closes in on her thirty-third year on the planet. But then again maybe not because my beloved astrologist, Emily Trinkaus, has told me time and time again that this is a year of new beginnings for me.

So here I am, before your eyes, groping around for some understanding. Returning to significant experiences, trying to remember the truths that they held and wondering how all these pieces will eventually fit together to create an image I can’t yet see.

It’s hard because philosophically I understand that right now the seeds are simply being planted, what they will grow into is the unknown. Spiritually, I understand that this is a time to have faith, faith and trust that the universe will provide all that I need. But my inner child wants answers. And answers now.

It’s a scary place to sit in the unknown. To have learned from the places I have been but to not know where they are leading me to. It’s difficult to teach that child patience and trust. But I realize now that I must. Answers are irrelevant at this point, as it is still a time of planting. And I really am okay without them.

Traveling reminded me that I crave new experiences, I enjoy the challenges of stepping out of my comfort zone, that I very much like having someone with me who is excited to share with me these moments, and that knowing exactly what’s next can take the fun out of the adventure.

So now that I am home, surrounded by familiar faces, old stomping grounds, and feelings of being right back where I started, I must remember that I am here too for a reason. For now, I am guessing that, spending some time in an old growth forest will probably help me await the arrival of my Spring.

It has taken me a long time to gather my thoughts about traveling in Burma. It was complex and wonderful and hands down the best part of my two months abroad, but putting it into words has left me at a loss. And just maybe writing about it puts the final nail in the coffin… I saved, planned, traveled and now I am home. Maybe I just am not ready to admit that the trip is over. Thanks mom for the wisdom. But for the sake of moving forward, which is happening whether I like it or not, I’m gonna try.

Every time I told someone I was traveling to Burma, their first question was “Why Burma?” I didn’t have a solid answer. I was curious. I liked Aung San Suu Kyi and believed in her work. The tourism ban had been lifted. It was untouched by the western world. But mostly I didn’t really know other than my heart was pulling me there.

I stepped off the plane, made it through customs, found the sign with my name on it and climbed aboard a sweet, old bus waiting to take me to my hotel. My first feeling was surprise at a strong feeling of familiarity while being immersed in unfamiliar surroundings. My second feeling, and this one overwhelmed me, was a feeling of being exactly where I was meant to be. This theme persisted throughout the trip. My heart had called me there and I had followed it.

And here’s the thing I liked most about Burma, they didn’t cater to me to make me feel comfortable (Southern Thailand was so disappointing in this regard… everything was catered to the western traveler), they simply allowed me access to their lives. Whether it was wandering the busy streets of downtown Yangon, being invited to have dinner with a family in Nyaungshwe, or trekking into the mountains for a home stay… each experience was steeped in culture and lifestyle and authenticity. It was invigorating and exhausting all at the same time. In Yangon, I would head out to wander for two hours and then return to the hostel to nap… the sensory overload and intensity of this city forced me to take it in in small doses. In Bagan, the sunrise over thousands of temples dotting the horizon and amplified chanting from a nearby monastery gave me the distinct feeling of a personal rebirth and the start of something new. A day out on Inle Lake was magical as we floated by traditional fisherman, rode alongside lake commuters and observed daily life happening all around us… at some point in the day though it struck me that increased tourism could greatly impact these communities in ways that might destroy their ways of life. I just can’t shake that worry. A mountain town provided a jumping off point for road less traveled hill tribe treks and connected us with an incredible guide and three unforgettable days of walking through beautiful country, staying with families, eating homemade meals and playing with enthusiastic kids. And my last stop in Mandalay, led me to a vaudeville show with the Moustache Brothers… the bravest brothers I know. Each new town provided death defying bus rides, regional specialties, brand new sights, and friendly smiles from locals.

The people of Burma. My second favorite part. Never in my life have I encountered so many lovely, friendly, smiley, kind, honest people. And this was consistent from city to city, village to village. Kids would run to you, adults would stop their work to wave and smile, people wanted to talk to you and so they learned just enough English to ask questions and find out what brought you to visit them. It was a humbling experience. In hushed whispers they would tell you what they really thought about their government, that they listen to the BBC daily and how they hoped change was in the works. There was optimism and obvious frustration, but their kindness and positivity never wavered. They wanted to share. They wanted to be heard. They wanted to be noticed and remembered. They have been etched into my heart forever and I will tell and retell their stories every opportunity I get. And I will never forget how excited they were to open their doors, their culture and their hearts to me, a girl who just followed her heart into their country.

But despite these incredible experiences, I also had some unsettling moments. One day as I jotted observations in a notebook I looked up to see a government agent reading over my shoulder. And I remembered that this is a place where tourists are shadowed and watched by the government. I can only imagine what it feels like to be a citizen here. Twelve hour bus rides were my least favorite experience. There is something very unsettling when both driver and vehicle possess the right side and use a second person standing on the left side to help the driver pass other vehicles. When the opportunity arose to ride a train I gladly accepted. There were also areas forbidden to tourists due to unrest and violence and a palpable impending threat in places we found ourselves in. And perhaps the most frustrating was being forced to pay road tolls and entrance fees with the awareness that the money would never be used to benefit the everyday people. Roads were terrible, brown outs were frequent and trash pick-up was nonexistent, but at least the 10pm curfew had been lifted and locals were allowed openly support Aung San Suu Kyi and her father now. Things we take for granted everyday were luxuries in Burma.

Traveling in Burma was like no other, it was real and raw, intense and beautiful. I feel so fortunate to have been able to travel there, especially knowing that many Burmese who have been forced to leave for their safety may never be able to return to their home and families. It’s unfair and I can only hope that someday that will change. Unfortunately change is slow. But I hope that as time moves forward the one thing that never changes is the beautiful spirits of the Burmese people. They just might be the kindest people on the planet.

  I have been traveling alone since I said my goodbyes to the Navone’s on January 10th. On a quick side note, I do have to mention that this was the first year that January 11th came and went without me noticing the significance. Missy has been gone for seven years now and I think that I have finally healed. I miss her and I talk about her often but I really think that the pain has finally left. Incredible. And a gift that I think I received in her passing was the ability to open my heart to new experiences and new people. Because here’s the thing I have been traveling alone for over a week now and I have only eaten two meals alone. You already know about the amazing women I met in Krabi. But then I got to Bangkok and had a similar experience. My first night in Bangkok was one that will go down in the history books. I was in a mixed dorm and at 2:30am two of my roommates came home wasted. And when I say wasted I mean it. Banging doors, shaking bunkbeds, pounding feet… you name it and the fun had just begun. Two hours later one decided to get up and use the bathroom… first he accidentally pulled the headset out of his phone so it was blaring music and he couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. Then standing next to the door trying to slide it open unsuccessfully because it DOESN”T SLIDE gave up and the next thing I know he is standing two feet from the head of my bed attempting to pee in a bottle. I say attempting because you could hear some hitting the bottom of the bottle and the rest splashing on the floor. (What is it with boys and bottles of pee in my life this year?!!) After yelling at him he got back in bed and then his buddy got up (yep he was sleeping in the bunk above me). This guy couldn’t even find the door… he wandered around the room for a good few minutes and just as he was about to pee in the garbage can another dormmate opened the door and pushed him out. This all continued back and forth until about 6am. Awful night in the history of hostel stays but… there’s a silver lining.  The next day while waiting in line for my Myanmar visa I struck up a conversation with the girl in front of me. I began to tell her the story of my ridiculous night and she tells me she had a terrible night sleep as well. Turns out we are in the same hostel only she was in the room next door… yep it was that loud through the wall! Anyways, immediate bff! Sandra from Germany and I spent the day together getting our visas and talking excitedly about our upcoming travels in Myanmar. With visas in hand we headed off to Khao San Road for the experience and dinner. When we got back to the hostel, I had two new roommates, Terance from Canada and Stas from Russia and through Sandra meet Kasper and Sebastiaan the Dutch boys, Jala from Germany, Emma from England and Emily from Toronto. The pee boys were still there too, only I didn’t see them awake for one minute all day. But what an incredible new group of folks! We got to know each other over Changs and Double Chocolate Pocky and other goodies. At breakfast we met Lauren from Colorado and the next three days were full of adventures with new friends. On Tuesday, Terance, Sandra, Lauren and I explored the “Reclining Buddha” and wow this was just incredible. From here we headed to the Grand Palace but were denied entry because of our shorts and tank tops. Deciding that it wasn’t worth the money and the view from the outside was enough we headed back to the hostel to meet up with our crew. We dressed up and caught a taxi to the Sky Bar on the 64th floor of Lebua Hotel. And oh my holy goddess was the view incredible. The drinks were expensive but worth seeing Bangkok from this angle… I cannot wait to share all these photos!!! The next day a couple of us braved the packed stalls of Chinatown… this place is a festival goer’s dream, a seamstress’ mecca and a claustorphobic’s nightmare. We ate some delicious fried seafood something and then headed off to find the flower market and a good view of Wat Arun. That night we all headed to a Muay Thai Boxing Match and this was the real deal. With ringside seats we saw one guy get knocked out and even if the stretcher that was brought into the ring wasn’t necessary it was still exciting. On Thursday I had plans to head to Ayutthaya, and now I had two travel partners, Emma and Stas. We took the train, 3rd class and it was wonderful. Made me sad that I didn’t travel more by train. We have spent the last two days riding bikes, exploring Wats, feeding the elephants, visiting a floating market and just generally adventuring. It has been great fun and I have really enjoyed spending time with them. You get good at goodbyes traveling like this but it is still sad not knowing when you will see someone again. Thankfully we are all facebook friends now, so we can continue to stay in touch. I have been so blessed with all the amazing foreigners and locals I have met on this trip. I have made friends around the world many of which I am sure I will see again sometime. And I just love that. Tomorrow I leave for Myanmar and I am more than excited. Leaving any and all expectations behind as I open myself to the adventure that will surely unfold before me. I won’t be blogging from Myanmar, so my next blog is likely to be once I am home. And I am excited about that adventure too. For those of you who have shared this journey with me… thank you. I love you more than my words can ever express. “Get your motor runnin’ head out on the highway lookin’ for adventure and whatever comes our way Yeah darlin’ go make it happen …”

 “Shake it hip to hip, rock it through the wilderness” has been stuck in my headed ever since we boarded the rasta boat headed to Maya Bay last Sunday. I learned today that the actual line is “Take it hip to hip rocket through the wilderness” but I like my version better as it is much more suited to my personality. I have been in the islands for exactly three weeks now and I have had some of the most epic adventures. It has been absolutely, hands down, over the top beautiful. The hiking and caving and bouldering and snorkelling and swimming and lounging all hit the tops of my lifetime experiences. Last week when we stood on the beach of Maya Bay in Koh Phi Phi Leh (the island whereThe Beach was filmed) and watched all the thousands (no exaggeration) of day trippers board their longtails and head for home, I knew I was experiencing something special. With the beach pretty much to ourselves, a sunset dinner on the boat in the almost empty bay and then my first swim with bioluminesence, I was in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. You know when your a child and every new experience seems like the most amazing thing in the world, well this one brought me right back to feeling like I was ten again. The fear of swimming the ocean at night and being surrounded by weird sparkles as you kicked and swam was ever present, but faced by swimming next to my two best friends laughing in sheer delight and buoyed by proclaimations such as, “Put your goggles on and watch me mermaid”. Yep, you guessed right that one came from Adam. It was incredible to swim among the stars under the night sky. And is not an experience I will ever forget. And then yesterday, with my new friend Rose, we boarded a longtail headed for Railay Beach. Just going for the day we figured we’d lounge on the beach and swim in the ocean. But, given that we arrived in the hottest part of the day we opted to hike out to the viewpoint first and head to the beach second… we had no idea the treats that were in store for us. After stopping to watch the hard bodies rock climb and walking along a path of limestone caves and monkeys we hit the trailhead. It was a nearly vertical rock scramble straight up the side of the karst with long ropes hanging down to help you keep your balance and avoid a dangerous fall should you slip. We determined during this hike that Rose must have been a monkey in a former life as she scampered up barefoot swinging from rope to root and so forth. I, on the other hand, was my slow and cautious self, giving the rope a extra tug or trying a few footholds before moving forward… maybe I was a mountain goat in a former life. Whatever the case, we balanced each other nicely. Once at the top we took the path towards the viewpoint first and were rewarded with a stunningly beautiful view of of both Railay Beach East, Railay Beach West and the thin strip of land between covered in palm trees. The limetone karsts rose dramatically on the sides and the turquoise waters sparkled in the sunlight. Breath taken. We snapped some shots of each other, laughed with a wild French man whom we promised to meet at the lagoon and then met our adventure companions for the day. Trevor and Cory from Canada. Ironically, we found out later that they too were on a “Treat yo’ self” tour making the serendipity of our meeting that much better. We headed off for the lagoon with no clue as to what we would find… the best kind of adventure. As we hiked through the jungle we joked that we were at MGM Studios because there was no way that what we were experiencing could be real. As we got closer to the lagoon we started recieving numerous pieces of advice from adventurers heading out… “be careful”, “use the rope to the left”, “go through the hole in the rock to the right it’s easier”… the adventure was just beginning! A series of three tiers down to the lagoon required surefootedness, friendly support, reminders to go slow and take your time, and a fair amount of rope swinging coupled with trust and positive thoughts. We got to the bottom and the reward was generous. We were actually in the center of the karst we would later look at from the beach. The saltwater lagoon consumed the open space with limestone overhangs, sheer cliff walls covered in bright green trees, with long vines hanging down and mysterious caves opening at the waters edge. Where were we?! It was absolutely unreal. We swam out to the middle and floated on our backs gazing up at the steep karst walls and bright blue sky. I don’t know what else to say, it was out of this world and worth every moment of the difficult climb in and out. A wonderful reminder that the best things in life require hard work, determination, good company, positive attitudes and a sense of adventure. After Rose and I snapped a photo with the boys on the beach, we boarded the boat back to Krabi Town and realized that two of the girls on our boat were also our dorm mates. The four of us headed back to our dorm room to find it full of fresh faces and soon six of us were headed off to the night market for dinner. It was a disappointing dinner in the sense of food and service but in company it was a stand out of the trip. And when the rain started to pour down and we were forced to share cover with other tables our group grew. It was entertaining to say the least. Even if the guy from Denmark insisted on dominating the conversation with US politics. It happens often… US politics are apparently a hot topic. Beers and Jenga rounded out the night and I awoke to six new facebook friends. The camaraderie of like minded, solo female travellers is one of my favorite things about hostel stays and this group has joined the ranks of one other seriously magical experience eight years ago in Italy. Tomorrow, I leave the islands and head to Bangkok in order to secure my Myanmar visa and then a few days in Ayuthaya (the capitial of Siam from 1350-1767 until the Burmese army moved in) before I hop a plane to Myanmar to spend the rest of my days before heading home. As my time in Thailand comes to close, I amazed at all the things I have done, places I have been, people I have met and brand new experiences I have been blessed with. I am a lucky girl and that will never be lost on me.  

I have hit the half way point and in 32 days I will board a plane headed for home. Luckily, I think I am over the “being sick” hurdle and will hopefully stay healthy for the remainder of my time. This is the longest I have ever traveled for and as much as it is wonderful it can also be exhausting. Kylah, Adam and I have spent the last five days and will spend the next week or so hopping around the Andaman Coast.

On January 2nd, we endured one of the most ridiculous travel days I have ever experienced. We were on the sunrise ferry off Koh PhaNgan and headed to the Khao Sok National Park. It should have been a 3-4 hour travel day, but instead it was 10. A total tourist trap. We probably spent 6 or so hours driving circles around Surat Thani the port town sitting in supposed bus stations and changing buses four times! It was crazy. When we finally got to Khao Sok our “treetop jungle hut” reservation was nonexistant. We all took deep breaths and found a simple room for $15 per night. Once fed and signed up for our adventure the next day all was well. The whole day was laughable… frustrating but hilarious. And I was very thankful that we all could make jokes about it and find ways to laugh our way through. If you looked up “shitshow” in the dictionary I can promise you that a description of this day would be the in-context example.

Luckily the next day was absolutely incredible! We boarded an open air taxi with about nine other folks at 8:30 am and headed for the lake. It was about an hour drive in which we all chatted and got to know one another. The first sign that it was going to be a great day. Our favorites were the two British guys Danny and Sam who had lovingly nicknamed each other the “Navy Walrus” and “Club Foot” we laughed hard with these two and were BFFs by the end of the day. We then boarded a longtail boat for an hour ride across the lake through limestone karsts to a floating jungle house. Here we were fed a delicious lunch of traditional thai dishes and freshly caught fish. After lunch, we slathered on the deet to head deep into the jungle. Another 10 minute boat ride and then hour and a half hike through rivers and banyan trees and bamboo forests. We saw tons of cool mushrooms and flowers and butterflies and even a few monkeys. Then we reached the cave. Headlamps on we descended into the darkness. Our guide thoughtfully shone his flashlight on some of the biggest spiders I have ever seen and I tried not to think about the jumping spiders that moved around the ground and the bats that hung sleeping over head. We spent about an hour cruising through this cave following a river that flowed through. The stalactites and stalagmites glittered and sparkled every time our lights hit them. So beautiful. The river was deep in parts forcing us to use hand held ropes or swim short distances and then finally we could see the light again. As we crawled out the opening back into the daylight we were all jabbering about how cool our journey had been. I felt like I had found my way into my own Indian Jones/ Goonies adventure! The hike back to the boat was quick though the boat ride and taxi ride home felt long mostly because we were tired from a long day of exploring. I have explored a lot of caves in my adventures over the years but this one is up there in the once in a lifetime experiences… it seems like I’ve been blessed with a lot of these this trip.

The next day we were off to Krabi on a minibus ride in which I will spare the details for the sake of my mom. We arrived in one piece with all of our belongs and that’s all that really matters. One night back in the Pak-up Hostel and then we decided to head to Koh Phi Phi the next day. We are currently in Koh Phi Phi and I am so glad we decided to visit here and I am so glad that we will be taking a ferry to Koh Lanta tomorrow. Koh Phi Phi is a party island. Last night we witnessed multiple sweet fire art shows along the beach and a bar that held Muay Thai boxing matches for tourists. The street scene was highly entertaining as well…. but there is definitely a “groundhog day” feeling here as it seems to be the same events and scene seven days a week. As we made our way back to our hotel room we realized sleep would not yet be an option and so we let the six, 20 year old Swedish boys who were partying on our porch entertain us for a few hours. Today we are headed out to Koh Phi Phi Leh… the island where Leonardo DiCaprio’s movie The Beach was filmed. We chose an afternoon/evening tour where we will arrive just as all the day trips are leaving in order to have the Bay all to ourselves and will supposedly get to swim with the bioluminescent plankton. I say supposedly because you never really know what you’ll get but the fact that the crowds will all be gone for the day is enough for me.

Tomorrow we will head to Koh Lanta for a little R ‘n R before Kylah and Adam and I part ways. It is so nice to discover that not only are we dear friends but very compatible travel partners as well. We have had ridiculously awesome experiences over the last few weeks and and it has been fun to share it all with them.

I have also found my mind active with ideas of what I might do when I return home and that too is really exciting. My head has finally cleared enough to spark my creativity and I have a new business idea to ponder and think through over the next few weeks.

I have also found it hard to be so far away from friends and family for so long. Through the holiday season and the birth of my best friend’s first child, I will admit I’ve gotten teary eyed reading emails and looking at photos more than once. But I needed space from my routine to clear my head and really figure out what’s next for me. And personal growth always comes with wonderful new experiences and difficult moments. It makes it easier to face it all when I know that I have such amazing people in my life who support me to no end. Each of you has popped up at one time or another where I have wished you were here, thought about you at home or literally saw you pass me in the street. As I discover new lands and new parts of myself, I have each of you with me in my heart.

This adventure has been, and I know will continue to be, the magical mystery kind…

 In the middle of the early, early morning of December 27th, I awoke with a start and feeling very ill. I spent the next two hours literally ejecting everything that I had in my body and then came the fever with a good thirty minutes of violent body convulsions. Thank goodness for Claire. She brought me the garbage can, helped me layer on clothes, tried to help stop the shaking and ultimately made the walk out to the main street at 5 am to flag down a taxi and get me to the clinic. I was a wreck. We arrived at the clinic and after filling out the paperwork and having my temp taken, I was lying down on a super comfy plastic sheet and pillow. The first thing my eyes settled on was a bloody handprint on the wall. Awesome. I was pretty quickly hooked up to an iv… again Claire watched to make sure everything was sterile and from fresh packages. I was given a drip antibiotic as well as pain medication and meds to stop the vomitting and other unpleasantries. Samples of my blood were taken so that they could run tests. In another twenty minutes or so I was loaded into an ambulance and transfered to the island hospital. Oh the ambulance ride. My first. And hopefully my last of this caliber. The hosptial was in Haad Rin home to the world famous Full Moon Parties. And the road there… treacherous. I’m laying on a gurney, with no straps holding me too it. The nice Thai nurse was sitting next to me with one gentle hand on my shoulder to keep me in place and I am bouncing all over the place hoping that my iv doesn’t get ripped out or something worse. Thankfully they gave me anti-nausea meds before this. We finally arrive to Haad Rin with party goers still wandering the streets from the night before fully clad in neon and me in my jammies, hair wild being led by my iv bag into the hospital. I got the feeling I was being judged as another rager who drank herself into a stupor. Oh well. Not the case. Thank goodness. I spent the next ten hours getting fluids, taking meds, drifting in and out of sleep, watching movies, and reading. It wasn’t awful but when the doctor came back with good test results and told me I could go home I was overjoyed. I was definitely getting antsy and knew that Kylah and Adam would be waiting for me back the hotel. The iv was removed and the hospital gave me transport to my bungalow… luckily this time I got to sit in a seat with a seatbelt. The next day, December 28th was a full moon and hence the Full Moon Party. A main reason we came to this island, Koh Phangan, and I wasn’t about to miss it. We had a very relaxing, restful and lazy day so when the time came to get ready for the party I was excited. I knew I wouldn’t be drinking much or staying up for the sunrise, but this was an event I was dying to witness. We caught a taxi back to Haad Rin where just the day before I was a hospital in-patient. The party vibe had been palpable then and now it was over the top. There were people dressed from head to toe in neon everywhere. The street vendors were selling neon body paint and buckets… which essentially is a plastic bucket with a soda can and a fifth of liquor for about $6.50. When you purchase it they fill it with ice and dump the two ingredients in along with a handful of straws and off you go. We shared one among the four of us while we painted each other with our newly purchased neon paints. And then off we went into the party. After wandering the brightly lit alleyways lined with vendors we found ourselves on a beach in a small bay. Dance clubs and Djs lined the bay from point to point. With Mellow Mountain on one end and The Rock on the other and the opportunity to buy buckets at every point inbetween people were raging it. We made our way from end to end getting our preparty started on the mountain and finding a sweet dance party at the rock. But the best part of the evening was the people watching and the inherent stupidity that came along with guzzling buckets of liquor. The most entertainment came from the party goers who participated in the slide. A cement slide covered in running water and probably a little bit of soap to give you speed… you climbed a rope ladder up the side of a club to the roof. The end of the slide was probably about four to five feet off the ground and here they had layered some sort of cushions covered in a tarp and also slick with water. When you reached the end of the cushions it was about a three foot drop to the sand. Most people went feet first and as they dropped off the cushions ran it out. A few went feet first and when they dropped off the cushions landed hard on their butts. But our favorite was the girl who decided to go face first. Yep, face first. Genius. As she superwoman’d off of the cushions she faceplanted mouth open into what I am sure is the dirtiest sand in the world. I think I would have preferred a mouth full of kitty litter over that. Oh my. We were in tears of hysterical disbelief… and then looked up at Adam who with a sparkle in his eye said “I want to do the slide”. There was a resounding NO and his dreams were dashed. Eventually we had had our fill and it was time to make our way home. The taxi ride home with about ten other partygoers was a whole new shitshow in which I will spare you the details. But never the less it was an experience of a lifetime. One in which I feel no need to ever repeat but am so glad that I got to see the Full Moon revelries in all it’s glory. From the sterile hospital to filthy sands of dj dance parties, I have been blessed with brand new experiences that I will not soon forget.

 

I have spent the last week on my own travelling from Bangkok to Krabi to Penang, Malaysia and then back into Thailand, to Koh Samui and now Koh PhaNgan. Of the last  eight nights, I have spent six of them in hostels and have been reminded of how much I enjoy travelling in this manner. I don’t really know why I thought I was “too old” to be staying in hostels again… it is funny how we do that to ourselves. And it’s a valid concern to be stuck in a room with a loud snorer or someone who is completely unaware that they are sharing a room with others. But the upsides to dorms and hostels often outweigh what can be blocked out with earplugs or written off as simply an inconsiderate person. Because over the last week I have met so many friendly and interesting people from all over the world. I have only spent time alone if I chose too. And even when I spent two days fairly ill, I had nice folks checking in on me and helping me out. It’s a wonderful reminder that companionship is merely a smile and simple hello away. I arrived at the Pak-up Hostel in Krabi for a single nights stay as I was headed to the Phuket airport in the morning. It was a very clean and hip hostel. I checked into my room and immediately met a woman from India living in London who invited me to join her and some friends for dinner. I was introduced to the three Canadians and immediately handed a “Thai” rum and coke with the instructions not to smell it first. Thai rum has a very interesting scent to say the least. We walked down to the night market with drinks in hand and enjoyed fresh thai food right next to the beach. The conversations and drinks flowed well into the night as one by one we peeled off and said our goognight/goodbyes. Had I been staying in the area I most likely would have headed off to Koh Phi Phi with them in the morning. They were a fun lot. The next day I headed for Penang, Malaysia. I arrived at the Old Penang Hostel in the early evening found myself a delicious dinner and wandered the area around my hostel enjoying all of the street art. The hostel I was in was a pre-WWII building, very beautiful and well taken care of. At breakfast the next morning, I met Marion from Holland and we decided to head to Kek Lok Si. It was a beautiful Buddhist temple with a 120 foot tall bronze statue of Kuan Yin, the goddess of mercy. She was incredible. Stopping you in your tracks and making your jaw hang. We spent a good few hours here and even climbed to the top of the pagoda which just seemed to keep going up. After coconuts and a bus ride back, we explored the city a bit and got caught in a torential downpour. We had a good laugh running through the streets completely soaked especially when we arrived at our destination only to find it closed. The next day we headed to Penang Hill for an expensive tram to the top, great views of George Town and a 5km walk straight downhill to the botanical gardens. I kept stopping Marion to make her observe my shaking knees… hiking downhill is so much harder! The next day Marion was off and I had plans to hang with Hanna from Germany and Tom from London. Unfortunately, I was quite ill the next day and Tom wasn’t feeling well either so we postponed the day trip and headed to the air conditioned movie theater to see The Hobbit in 3D. Other than the theater being absolutely frigid… I had my rain parka on hood up and zipped up and I was still chilly… it was an incredible movie and a fun evening. The next day we headed out to Penang National Park for a hike through the jungle to Turtle Beach. There was a turlte sanctuary out there and met a local who was fishing with his kids who gave us a really good understanding of what is happening to the turtles and how unfortunately the sanctuary wasn’t really helping the problems. It is always nice to get an insider perspective on an area and I really enjoyed talking with him. From here we took a boat to Monkey Beach which I think I can say we all found disappointing and then a boat back to the start. Hanna and I went out for a very delicious Indian food dinner where the restaurant owner scammed us but we let it slide because the dinner was tasty. I was sad to say goodbye to Hanna… I knew she was someone I could have travelled with for many more days. Penang was supposed to be a place of delicious food, but instead I found that I enjoyed the mix of city street art and nature with some really wonderful people the most. My arrival on Koh Samui two days ago was funny. I immediately knew I was on a resort filled island when I got off the plane to women covered in sequins and pushing carts loaded with luggage. The vibe on this island was immediately off putting and I was incredibly glad I was leaving the next day. The hotels only saving graces were the swimming pool and the cute foreign guy who kept walking past my bungalow and saying hi. It is incredible how much different the feeling from hostel to hotel is. In hostels people are often travelling alone and  are interested in meeting new folks. In hotels it is quite the opposite and suddenly it becomes difficult to reach out and meet someone new. Luckily, I was really enjoying reading my book and catching up on my journal. Yesterday, I caught a ferry to Koh PhaNgan and immediately met two Brits, Sam and Ben. They were on their way to Koh Tao but we hung out for a good hour or two chatting until I reached the island I was getting off at. I am guessing that I will probably see these guys again as we had a very similar itinerary for the next few weeks. I said godbye to them and caught a motorbike taxi to my hotel… in the pouring rain. Yep, a motorbike with all my stuff. I was nervous at first but it turned fine and was surprisingly enjoyable. I arrived at Coco Gardens and immediately felt at home. Which is good because we will be here for the next ten days. I really like the relaxed, easy vibe of this island. Our bungalow is right on the beach and I can tell the next week and a half is going to be one to remember. I am currently waiting for Claire to arrive. She should be here tonight and I am so excited to see her and exchange stories of our past week. It sounds like her travel to Cambodia and Angkor Wat was life changing and those are always my favorite stories. And in three days Kylah and Adam get here and I won’t really truly believe that is happening until they are standing right in front of me. I have absolutely enjoyed meeting so many fresh new faces while exchanging stories of who we are, where we’ve been and what we’re doing, but there is something to be said for spending time with those who know you better than you know yourself sometimes. One is silver and the other is gold. Oh and I keep forgetting… it’s Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, yay for all the winter holidays! I hope you are keeping warm and enjoying the season. I will be toasting you all from the beach!

Hi all. It’s wild how quickly the weeks go by while abroad. I’m currently in Northern Thailand in a little town called Pai. The thing about Pai is that once you are here the rest of the world seems to just fade away and you wish you never had to leave… in fact many don’t. It’s touted as THE “hippie” town and there is definitely a fair share of dreaded, shoeless characters wandering around town with their guitars, but there is also this incredibly relaxed vibe where in a single day you can feel like Norm from Cheers walking down the street. It really is wonderful. We have spent the last few days outside of town at a hot springs resort soaking and napping and reading… I know, sounds awful right?! Tonight is our last night and we are spending it in town, so who knows things could get wild. Although, not too wild because the thought of the windy bus ride with a hangover makes we want to puke right now.

Here’s a couple of incredibly, serendipitous things that have happened over the last week:

• Our last night in Chiang Mai had us running around to meet up with Claire’s friend from the States. We all loaded up in a car headed out to a clothing factory worker’s early New Year’s party. We were seated at a table with about 6 Thai men who insisted on filling our glasses with whiskey and our plates with food. They cheers’d us every five minutes or so as we watched a full blown Thai concert and workers busting out their best Ganagnam dance moves. It was epic.
• On the bus ride to Pai, I was seated next to a woman from Alameda, Ca and her travel partner was from Tuolumne Meadows. He looked incredibly familiar and upon further discussion we determined that we both know the Parker’s (see post Traditional Walk)… in fact he was married to Julia’s oldest daughter. I got to run into him again today. And I can’t even express the happiness I feel around being connected in so many unique ways with this family. 
• A dear friend from home connected us via facebook to a dear friend of hers who lives here in Pai and what an incredible connection that has been. Jay has been our tour guide, friend, travel agent, ride giver and so much more. Our time in Pai would not have been as wonderful without him. I will be sad to part ways but feel confident we will meet again in the future.

On a sad note, upon arriving in Pai, I realized that some how all of the photos I had taken in the first part of the trip had been mysteriously deleted from my camera. I was sad but thankful the lesson came early on in the trip… I have now figured out how to protect my photos from being accidentally deleted. But who knows… we’ll see what I’ve got when I return home.

On a delicious note, today I took a wonderful cooking class with a very sweet chef and a fun Canadian couple. We went to the market first and she taught us about Thai ingredients. And then we cooked. I learned to make paenang curry from scratch, my favorite soup Tom Kha Gai (chicken in coconut milk), my favorite dish Pad Se Eew (wide noodles in sweet soy sauce) and Mango Sticky Rice. OMG. Delicious. And yes, when I am home you can pay me to come over and cook Thai for you… I’m gonna have to make back all this money I am spending some how!

On a “such is the life of a traveller” note, I have to say this is not easy travel. Dealing with visas and buses and new currency and all that jazz literally makes your head spin at times, but what I am remembering is that let things play themselves out and rolling with the punches is really the only way I know how to travel. When things don’t work out the way I thought they would it is usually because there is something better awaiting. And it can be hard figuring it all out but it really does sort itself out just as it should. I originally thought I would visit Laos and Vietnam and for now those are completely off the itinerary. And in two days, I am headed to Panang, Malaysia for a few solo days before meeting back up with Claire in Koh PhaNgan. And while I really do wish I could spend a little more time in Pai, I am really excited for the next adventure. But for now I am going to thoroughly enjoy my final night in this sweet little “hippie” town.

Love to you all. Jen

 Wow! It’s hard to know where to begin! We started off the trip with the smoothest airport to airport to taxi to hotel in my history of travel. Everything went according to plan from the minute we arrived at SFO on the afternoon of December 3rd to arriving at Hotel Lotus in Bangkok at 2am on December 5th. We skipped an entire day… only seeing the light of December 4th from the Beijing Airport for two hours. For days afterwards the effect of the time warp had me in a daze.I was tired and foggy and a little overwhelmed, but glad we had made the journey so easily. Our first day was also the King’s Birthday, a widely celebrated event… our hotel projected the main event on a screen in front of the hotel and handed out yellow candles to us to light and hold while the ceremonies went on. It was incredible to see the city literally stop and celebrate. The love for the King was palpable as we looked around our neighborhood to see people in front of their business and sitting in resturants all holding lit candles. Beautiful and united, I wondered what in the states would stop us all and unite us as one. I am still seeking that answer. We then hopped a plane to Chiang Mai in Northern Thailand. Just a few little travel hiccups, landed us in a new spot ready to explore. We shared a taxi with a sweet couple from Germany who had been travelling for almost nine months and they became our familiar faces we would see around the city over the next few days. I immediately felt at home in this sweet city, seeing the rice paddies burning from the airplane had me thinking about Chico and entering the walls of the Old City brought me right back to my travels around Italy and visiting family in Lucca. It’s a nice feeling when one is so far from home. Our first day will arguably have been one of the best days of the trip when this is all said and done. We were able to be in touch with my dear friend Howie who now lives just outside of Chiang Mai with his girlfriend and her family. He picked us up from our guesthouse and took us out to his home where we were greated by Wasna and her family. His beautiful home over looks rice paddies and as we sat and caught up, Wasna’s mom made us a traditional lunch and Howie cracked open coconuts for us. We went on a trip to an incredible wood carver’s studio and gallery, where he took us on a personal tour through rooms and rooms of his work. I have no words to explain the intricacity of his work or the uniqueness of his character. I only wish I could have afforded to buy something from him. We then strolled through a market of craft artisans and then to a food market where Wasna purchased ingredients for the dinner should would cook us. We felt like locals as we wandered around the road less travelled with our friends.When we returned to their home, I retired to the hammock and about 30 minutes later crashed through it floor. Yep, I broke Howie’s hammock. We had a good laugh when Wasna’s mom came out, saw the hammock, signaled for me to turn around and then measured my ass with her forearm. I had loved her instantly upon meeting but now I loved her even more. We shared a traditional thai meal of sticky rice, a mushroom coconut soup and a fish from the neighbor’s lake with a green curry sauce. And everything, and I mean everything, was fresh and local and made right before our eyes. To say it was the most delicious meal I have eaten would be an understatement. Awhile later Howie and Wasna returned us to our guesthouse and we said our see you laters. I felt so blessed to have had such a magical day with them. Howie is so happy and content and it was great to see him in such a wonderful place. He has a lot of creative projects in the making right now and I look forward to seeing them come to fruition in the near future. We may have travelled to the other side of the world but with experiences like this I feel like I cruised down the street to visit the neighbors. We have made the most of our time here in Chiang Mai. We have sampled tons of street food from fried sandwiches and pork balls to my favorite Tom Kha Gai soup and mango sticky rice. We have visited Wat Chedi Luang and Wat Phra Sing, wandering ancient grounds of worship and kneeling before giant golden Buddhas. A fun tuk tuk ride took us over to the Nimmanhaemin where we walked the streets with University students, ate tapas and shopped cute boutique stores. And last night we spent hours upon hours walking the Sunday Market, the largest street market I have ever seen with tons of local vendorsselling their handicrafts for ridculously cheap prices. And even though there probably 20,000 people in the streets we still managed to run into the German couple and have Howie sneak up on us. Tomorrow, we board a bus to head up to Pai where we will meet our new friend Jay, have our first adventures on motorbikes and enjoy a three night splurge at the Pai Hotsprings Spa Resort. Our trip is off to an epic start. All these months of planning and here we are. Of course, I’m pondering a lot right now and I am sure it will come out in due time but for now, just know that I feel blessed and lucky. The people here are friendly and there is a deep sense of culture all around. I am sending love to all my friends and family at home.